Sex and emetophobia
It wasn’t until a client once asked me if it were ok to talk about sex that I started to think about sex and emetophobia. I reassured them that they can talk to me about absolutely anything. One might think that we 60-something grandmas don’t know much about the subject except for the missionary position in a long flannel nightie, but let me revamp our image for you: we went to college in the 70s. THE SEVENTIES. All the girls were on birth control pills, and there wasn’t any disease you could catch from a partner except gonorrhoea, which if you were so unfortunate, could be cleared up with one dose of penicillin. The good old days before herpes and HIV. Imagine it.
My first counselling gig was at the University of Waterloo “Peer Counselling Centre” in 1976. With some good, solid training, we volunteered a few hours a week talking to our peers about sex, birth control, abortion, being gay, being born in the wrong gender. Yes, 44 YEARS later we’re still talking about that.
But I digress. Emetophobics actually have a few things to worry about when it comes to sex, especially with some of the latest activities that many couples enjoy. What’s worse is that they’re often afraid to share these fears with their sexual partner.
I’ll try to be crystal clear, so you may want to read this blog in private.
Oral sex
Oral sex can present a problem to either male or female emetophobes. For the (straight) female or gay male the possibility of gagging on either the penis or the ejaculate can be terrifying. Men can become equally terrified of their partner gagging and even vomiting during oral sex. There are some emetophobic queer women who are quite reluctant to perform oral sex on another woman.
anal sex
Considering that Norovirus particles are contained in fecal matter, anal sex can be daunting whether one is the giver or the receiver. The problem is that the penis (or sex toy) is removed, theoretically contaminated. And then what do you/they do with it? We all know it’s not getting near your mouth anytime this century. But does he know that?
anilingus
Yep. I had to look that one up. Thanks to a comedy routine by Chris Rock, I heard it was called “tossing his salad.” Apparently there are a plethora of other terms. Suffice it to say that your average emetophobic would not be caught dead doing this one, which involves your tongue and your partner’s anus.
anal-digital stimulation
What’s he going to do with that hand now?
the solution
This may seem ridiculously simple, but you have to talk to your partner about the kind of things you like to do, and what you feel uncomfortable with. If you’re afraid to do just about everything, and your partner really wants to be adventurous then perhaps they aren’t the right partner for you. But if you’re already married to them, then there needs to be some give and take. Explain what frightens you. It’s easy enough for him not to push his penis too far into your mouth, and to let you know when he’s about to ejaculate. If they want anal sex, you might have to negotiate a shower afterward before doing anything else. You get the idea. Talk. If you can’t talk to someone with whom you’ve taken off all your clothes, then who can you talk to?
The other, perhaps more obvious solution, is to get treatment for your emetophobia. It really is treatable, and you don’t need to be afraid of the many things in life that non-emetophobics enjoy forever.
Best of luck, and remember that you can discuss anything with your therapist if need be.
